The baggage LOVE brings- brain frying confusion

I like a guy, and he is one of my best friends too…but he doesnt feel the same way. I can tell because he sometimes refers to me as a bro(even though i am a girl). Every time he calls me that, i feel like someone reached out to my stomach and grabbed it out. Its like a i have huge hole instead of a soul. And to be honest i am not that sure i love him. I fall for guys after i know them completely well and never at first sight. He was no exception. But the weird thing is, he told me he used to like me at first when we werent friends because he found me good looking but now we are bros. I dont get it, is it because i have a she can only be a friend not a girl friend personality. It frustrates me. So now i have been bro zoned by the guy i like. A gentle reminder that i am a girl. I dont know if its anything to do with the fact that i did call him bro before i figured i liked him but not often, just as a slang. Now i worry is that the reason he closed all doors of the possibility? We click amazingly well and always agree on everything and sometimes even complete each others sentences. He can make me laugh in the toughest of times. But the one thing he does lack are good looks. He isnt very handsome and the reason i really know that i like him is because that doesnt bother me one bit. When i look at random kids on the street i wonder – boy it would be amazing to have and raise kids with him. (the day i thought that it freaked me out a little) Now he is gone for sometime and isnt in touch with the world at all. Its a place without internet or phones. I thought i’d feel more upset and empty, but its not affecting me as badly as i thought…Maybe i never loved him…or maybe i just took the rejection seriously and dont care anymore…but i do still feel for him…
Wow i am confused. Cant it just be simple like in usually romantic movies. None of my cases of love have ever been that way…although i have only had two this being the second one,
which brings me to my next confusion- Can a person be in love with two people at once?
i dont think i’ll ever know….because i know in the end of all of this i am destined for an arranged marriage set by my elders, which i think would work the best for me as i am so weird that falling in love with me is impossible unless you are forced into it 😛


So as i mentioned before i love dreaming. Its the only state where i can have full access and control of how i would w
ant my life to be. By dreaming i don’t just mean the dreams you get while you asleep but also the ones you weave when you are awake.
My perfect utopia could be achieved. Who wouldn’t want that
But i do wonder if this little liking of mine makes me weak and ignorant to the reality? My dad tells me i am all about being a realist but that’s who I am with my dad. I am whole different messed up person on the inside and my dreams surely do confirm that.
Once i dreamt that i was a princess wearing a the prettiest blue gown and fighting my way through a maze and suddenly when i saw my reflection in the enemy’s armor, it seems i was wearing one too and then it came down to me against a room of puzzles with swords
I dont remember what happened next, but i do remember waking up really happy and excited.
This was one of the weirdest yet the most fun dreams I had seen in a long time.
Does this make me weird?


I really needed a place to express myself , thought a blog was the best as it had the added advantage of me being completely anonymous 
Given the fact that i doubt my mom has been reading my personal diary and her lack of knowledge about technology, I am sure all my secrets would be safe here as long as no one finds out 😉 
Not that i have very many..just the same old boring life with a huge vacation ahead of me, I don’t really know what to do or what i want, but i guess thats the beauty of life (or misery).
For now i’ll call myself the dreamer.